in the spirit of randomness

there's a reason why gymfreaks are called freaks
spending hours at the gym, looking at themselves in the mirror any chance they get
not only are they massively vain, its just downright weird
sure we all want to look good nowadays but these people are just too much =p


and application forms clearly are designed to discourage people from attempting them at all
the hassle they cause and the effort it takes might not be worth the job offer.....
maybe...
but i guess unlikely considering the current financial climate...
on the other hand, considering that, this might be a master plan for companies who want to make it seem like they are hiring and that things are improving while discouraging people from attempting to apply thus not hiring anyone and end up not having to shell out the dough
hmm.. mixing the critical with the cynical today... =p

oh and fat girls should never wear bright pink tights....
and leopard bags mixed with bangle overkill, highlighted hair, done up to the nines makeup, nose stud, sparkly eyelashes and shoes just scream ho. just sayin.

damn my woefully massive inferiority complex
i think it comes with twin territory.. all that comparison can't be good for a person
and when it extends to other siblings it just gets worse

at what point is my character no longer coming from me but from other people's perceptions of me? it surely is a 2-way dialogue of negotiation, and while that pisses me off its unavoidable.
how much of me is the way it is because i want other people to think that of me... etc

god it just makes me want to be a hermit

on the inside and outside at the same time. bleh. like im not really there.

if i had a superpower.. i'd be invisible girl. and like all superheroes, it wouldn't hv been my choice.

slim philosophy

my gym philosophy can be summed up in the following few words:

I REFUSE to be the chubby one.

gymming commences this weekend.

God help me.

the impossibility of the possible

People say anything's possible...

Yet people choose how they see life - the possible or the impossible, the positive or the negative.
but there's always a grey area.
sometimes, its in the impossible that you find reality
and what you think is possible is only a delusion.
Once you open your eyes to the impossible, do u continue to hope in the infinite possibilities that hold a happy ending in each one?
Or cut your losses and let reality take hold?

Sometimes, reality isn't all that.

whee~ life is weird

i think there is definitely a correlation between vegetables and how bad ur poo smells
i thought healthy poo was supposed to smell 'good' =S hahahaha

anyhooo....

sigh the word diet enters my vocabulary starting today (sad, dark, days ahead),

and the word triumph re-enters with new meaning =) hehehe

I PASSED MY MASSTTEERRSS WITH A MERIIIT!
i can now return to Bristol in triumph =D

relief... thank god...

breaking the silence

If i could change my state of mind then i would
disappear

Why can't i realize that I'm fighting for my life? 

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could have been
But still you live inside of me 
So tell me how is that possible

I'll never be the one you understand, the one who
understands u, 
the one who knows forever

no choice but to go on automatic
heart like an engine
every beat like mileage
the lies connect the beats
the misuse bringing me closer to rusting away

from afar, seems i have it all
but it doesn't mean anything

Color me Black

The colour black has never been for scaredy-cats or conformists but rather it has been adopted as the ultimate signature of a fearless creative class of youth…the seminal style uniform of choice for all who embrace the edgy and the agro of nonconformity. Black, you see, is not just a cult. It is a culture.

by Kim Hastreiter

Caught in the Crossfire

caught in a web of my own doing
time running out, while infinity suggests irrelevance and imparts a sense of insignificance

in the words of a poet friend:

You [I] prove that there is a way
To be still while running astray

But the arrogance of my mind continues to deceive
and tells me I'm fine
in a bankruptcy of willpower, I am losing and I really don't care
Yet i can't let anyone down
so i perpetuate the illusion that I'm in control

the fruit of my labors, the instrument of torture
its on my mind, all the time,
stealing sleep, robbing me of my sanity

i need to get out of this mess... fast.

i dream

i dream of being an ass-kicking ninja
fighting evil, doing right

i dream of finishing this dissertation
though it looks like it'll never get done

i dream of a world where there aren't any horrible people
while everyday in little ways you see the worst in humanity

slow down

my brain has come to a juddering halt
not only am i home but it's also puasa.. laziness, procrastination and a general i-don't-give-a-damn attitude has kicked in
i wake up late, i don't feel like work.. so i don't do any, feel like sleeping.. sometimes do, then i eat and wanna stay out with friends
definitely holiday mode except that i'm not on holiday and i need to get my dissertation done
700 words a day is not going to cut it.... well considering i have 28 days left it could work, but that would leave me no time to go over the draft and i'd rather get it done sooner or later
it does not help that the adults are piling on the pressure because they have such high hopes for me and my topic
people heed my advice.. NEVER choose a topic that charts the events happening in the present especially if your relatives have contacts and take an interest...
other than that i've been getting random thoughts like... i don't know why i persist in drinking atleast one can of coke everyday because the coke here in Bru tastes like crap... =S
nyeh... *whine whine whine*
lol.... oh well, its all good and can only get better after i submit the damned thing
all i ask is that it doesn't expose me for the clueless-about-economics person that i am..

h8

I don't usually write hateful negative posts but tonight this is unavoidable
betray me and you automatically become dead to me
I don't need nor deserve people like 'you' in my life
I am done with being nice to people who obviously don't deserve it and are double-sided
When you spew the filth that 'you' do just because you're jealous or inadequate its pathetic
When you talk shit about other people who are obviously a million times better than you, you're just exposing yourself as the bastard, undeserving of any attention or empathy
Lately I've been very good at controlling my temper
which is good news for 'you' coz otherwise i wouldn't hesitate to slap the hell out of 'you'
But also... I am done with violence so I'll just cut myself off from your toxicity
and hope that I will never have to speak to or see you ever again.
I don't do this often.. and its sad that I've approached the critical point where I can't take it and will have to take the steps towards erasing 'you' from my life.

i just want to scream.
karma's a bitch and i hope she gets to 'you' soon.

if i don't believe in love...

So many people getting hitched, having babies, recently
I'm partly jealous, but it partly makes me want to run from the whole institution
I used to believe wholeheartedly in it
Lately, however, I've had a rethink of my ideals and beliefs.
While I still believe strongly in the family unit I don't know if i believe in love anymore.. or atleast whether relationships can last forever.
And that impacts on my whole thoughts on the subject.
If love (or relationships) don't last forever then... marriage is definitely a mistake.
It all seems like a paradox really.
I want to believe in forever, being a closet romantic, but my realistic side tells me that its unlikely.

If I don't believe in love nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is safe for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is new for me - Dido


Oh well, lots of time to find out
So in the meanwhile:

Calm down, deep breaths
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

I have no control over what happens anyway
We can pray for sunny weather, but that won't stop the rain =) 

like a shinbashira

the shinbashira in a pagoda acts like a tuned mass-damping system conveying the surplus energy in a swaying pagoda to the ground allowing the pagoda to flex and sway without collapsing
the reason i bring this up is i found it quite an eloquent image
steadfast
to have and to hold
which sort of exemplifies certain thoughts
there's a saying: no matter how hot the charcoal gets in your hand you hold onto it until it becomes ashes
...the context being you wanted something so badly that you disregard any other considerations and do whatever it takes to get it
i find this so apt because you make a decision and then you live with it
no half measures, no quitting
especially not important stuff like marriage
I may be prudish on certain things, but that just shows i have strong morals.. which isn't necessarily bad...
...or good.
Though i do think its important to know when to quit, cut your losses and get rid of dead weight

I am what i am, things are what they are
I am my dad, who is a pillar of strength
I am my family always in the background, there when needed
I am my friends who teach me how, and help me, to enjoy life without worrying about the future..too much
I am who I am because of everyone I know
I like who I am

in the search

some people love the idea of falling or being in love
....just maybe i'm one of those lol
not so much the falling in love (though that's good too) but also the whole idea of a new beginning, starting fresh, seeing all sorts of possibilities open up instead of doors closing in on you
Ayeshah is off to uni.. and im envious. a new school, new people to meet, new things to learn
whereas I'm still plodding on with my dissertation (presently on the road to nowhere)
but then i also think that it is a new time for me too
I don't know where I'll be in the next few months or even year!
I don't know what i'll be doing, whether I'll be happy or freaking depressed...
though i think if i am in love wth the idea of new beginnings i'll probly be atleast trying to make the most of my situation
really.. its quite exciting... and scary
this year has been such an adventure n I'm still looking for more and getting out of that comfort zone
=)
I do wonder though.. if me being in love with the idea of such things will make me search forever for more new beginnings.. not knowing when to stop searching, never finishing what i started properly..
oh well we'll c..
c'est la vie.. lol

Tired

Tired of playing around
of holding up walls that shouldn't have to exist
necessarily holding back myself from making potential mistakes and getting knocked down

not been myself lately
maybe thats what's so wearing...besides my dissertation that is
homesick
wishing of the 'freedom' that home holds
people who know me... who i know
who love me and who i love
comfort
no false caring, no false warmth

i want the real thing

I don't know why...

Certain issues have been playing on my mind

Such as... why does society perpetuate the idea of class and status. More specifically, why is tension created between men and women as to who earns more, or who is 'better'? Both genders, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of this tension when in argument. Suddenly men feel insecure because they feel that the woman they are seeing is of a higher class, or earns more money than them and therefore they do not 'fit in' with said woman's life. That, essentially, they are not good enough. Well it goes both ways really. In the end one feels either they are letting the other down, or the other feels that maybe they should be with someone 'better'. Does it matter? well i guess it does. Should it? i don't think so. We're all consumed by this idea of equality, yet men would definitely rather be the breadwinner and 'man' of the house or 'better' if not equal in terms of education etc.

We constantly create situations where we are in competition with each other or attempt to be in a position in which we can look down on the other. This doesn't really benefit anyone.
Would i like someone who can take care of me? yes, but taking care of me can mean so much more than monetarily.
Would i like someone who is as well educated as me? well.. yes, if only so that i can carry on a decent conversation with him. This doesn't necessarily mean he has to have an Ivy League education.
Ultimately, the standards we set for ourselves are determined by how society feels we should feel, or what parents (who want only the best and are therefore biased as to what is best for you) feel we deserve.
Seeing someone in the eyes of your parents is never the best way to judge.. or in the eyes of society. What should really matter is how you feel and what satisfies you...in this case anyway.
But we can't help but be influenced...

At the end of the day i guess its not so much a matter of why society does what it does but why we allow ourselves to be manipulated in such a way. This constant drive to be better and be in competition.. not healthy really when carried to the extreme or destroys our personal lives.

nyeh i had more thoughts but have forgotten them.. haha...
blame it on the dissertation.. too many serious thoughts goin on... =p

Me in 100 words...or less.

Read a magazine the other day.. a rare enough occurrence
I always end up wanting useless stuff after reading one...
anyway, they were profiling certain woman who had made it professionally, summing up their lives in 100 words.
Thought i should try it, possibly gain some insights into what i think made me the person i am today and the significant times in my life. Shouldn't be too hard since i'm the tender age of 23 =p
so here goes...

The good life in safe, haven-away-from-the-world-Brunei. Friends, basketball, high school. Clueless but content. Rampaging hormones and temper tantrums. Met the Love of my Life but couldn't stop fighting. Cold winters, hot summers of a university undergrad life. Still clueless. Baby sister made me clucky. Adaptation. A calming of temperament, late bloomer of femininity. Opening of eyes to the world during Msc in Bristol. Coming to grips with internal demons. Daddy's girl realization. Still don't know where I'm headed. Single and looking forward to what has yet to come, guided tirelessly by my father.

Yep.. thats about it.. lol... still clueless.. still content. Got lots more to live and experience.
There are moments where i think what if....
but I'm happy with where i am today. All of that which has happened made me and brought me to where i am today. Because of where i am now, mentally and spiritually I really do believe the best is yet to come.

Been there done that

Eurotrip concluded successfully
cut short actually... laptop withdrawal... comfort withdrawal.... other stuff
tiring, great experiences with some fun times mixed in
result: personal growth and discovery

eurotrips are not for me lol
quality not quantity.. shoulda known... =p
now i know for sure =)

but 20+days without msn makes me feel more out of touch than i already am
complicated lonerism
oh well...
resort to consumerism... i want my handbag!! and i will get it... hehehe
among other things...

u should experience everything once.. this is my time to be broke...

dealing with it

I've come to realize that one of the fundamental differences between people are the way they deal and react to adversity and disappointment. There are loads of different ways but ultimately people either say you're strong or weak. Survival of the fittest.
I personally prefer to either communicate to someone about it and let out the frustration - verbally or with the written word, or indulge in some self-analysis and contemplation until I figure out where it or what went wrong and take steps to correct it. Thinking positively and being happy is such a better way to spend time. Life is way too short to wallow in self-misery for any length of time. If you know what's wrong... fix it, do something for gods sake.
"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement and impossibilities. It is this that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak"
Progress is a good one too. Why stay stationary when you can continuously improve, adapt, and evolve hopefully for the better.

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find that you have crossed the mountain."
People need to remember that they moan over the smallest things and not forget about the bigger picture. Whatever happens to you, there's worse going on in the world and even if you stumble and fall you just have to get back up and keep going until things get better coz if you don't things will never get better.

Suspenseful waiting

so its the build-up to my birthday and Eurotrip..
exciting stuff...
and it seems like the fun has already begun with my trip in Newcastle which was surreal but absolutely fantastic! XD
all this excitement has rendered me useless in terms of dissertation work..
not good....
i can only imagine what i'll be like by the end of the eurotrip... hopelessly idle as exhaustion sets in and the buzz fades
with only a weekend to recover and the prospect of two months of really hard work to keep me going...
bleh.. lol
i keep telling myself it'll be worth it...
It better be

"The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be plucked"
Ralph Waldo Emerson

looking out the window (credits to Robert Browning)

'I wandered lonely as a cloud...'

dwelling among the untrodden ways...

changing shadows
with every step i take

i contemplate the meeting at night, and the parting of morn
of the 'quiet-colored end of evening' in my hometown

seeing in my mind's eye:

'The grey sea and the long black land;
And the yellow half-moon large and low;
And the startled little waves that leap
In fiery ringlets from their sleep,
...
Then a mile of warm sea-scented beach;
...'

dreaming of a long-awaited meeting of heartbeats
while doors succeed doors
suns and moons wax and wane

I think of how.. 'I will but say what mere friends say,
Or only a thought stronger;
I will hold your hand but as long as all may,
Or so very little longer! '

'and God smiles as he has always smiled;'
and I smile with him.

Rude Awakening

I haven't even begun to read Les Miserables yet, but i know its going to be a good thought-provoking read.

misere: (1) misery (2) utmost poverty, destitution
Les Miserables: the poor, the wretched, the outcasts, the underdogs, the rejected of society and the rebels against society

There exists a condition of social condemnation, artificially creating a human hell within civilization. We continue to live with the degradation of man, the subjection of women and the atrophy of the child. Nowhere is social asphyxia more obvious than the so-called kingdom of unexpected treasures (or whatever spiel they got going on now).
Be seen and be judged. That's how it is.

This malaise is only compounded by the increasingly stifling religiosity of the place.
Today I passed some devout christians in the street attempting to inspire people in their faith, not just by preaching but using rap and song to send out their message. While i do not agree in their message I applaud their modernity.
It forces me to contrast their methods with that of muslims, and what most people see coming from them today. What we see and think of is hate preaching or terrorism or restriction. The demand for obedience rather than demand of faith. This is wrong, no? There seems to be an outdated-ness, an inability or unwillingness to compromise or evolve with the times, which if they really wish to inspire faith in us might be needed. Faith and obedience are two very different things and people should recognize that.

Disclaimer: Just some random thoughts, no harm meant. Provocative but essentially harmless musings. Anyone offended by this.. ur too sensitive =p

Toxic debt

I don't know why we are so inclined to destroy this world.

While i used to think i had no issues with hunting as long as it was legal and not of endangered species, reading the newspaper today about a woman who killed an elephant with a bow and arrow because of a bet kinda disgusts me. The fact that she was praised on hunting websites for it is also quite disgusting. I suppose its the glorification of the whole thing that is abhorrent. I don't really see why people are so proud to have brought any magnificent animal low, though i guess considering how people treat each other it shouldn't really be a surprise. They call it an achievement.... well.... i think there are better things to do in your life than pick on animals for the sake of a bet.

Silver Iterance

What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!
- Victor Hugo

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain. - Shakespeare

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
that word is love. - Sophocles

Lately i've been into poetry. And these quotes express how I'm feeling perfectly.
It's amazing how one phone call can make your day.. make you smile.. make everything alright and bright.
My mom called. My baby sis was actually thinking of ME! Said she misses her kakak Didi, so my mom called me before she went to school. I got to talk to her... and she sounded so cute. She said she misses me.
I miss everyone so much. I love them so much.
L.O.V.E~

Excerpt

"...in life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant. The builders might take years over their tasks, but one day, they finish what they're doing. Then they find they're hemmed in by their own walls. Life loses its meaning when the building stops.
Then there are those who plant. They endure storms and all the many vicissitudes of the seasons, and they rarely rest. But unlike a building, a garden never stops growing. And while it requires the gardener's constant attention, it also allows life for the gardener to be a great adventure.
...in the history of each plant lies the growth of the whole World."
Paul Coelho, Brida

This is why i love books so much. "Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside of you" - Carlos Ruiz Zafon. It's about resonance, and provoking self-reflection while taking you away from the reality that you want to escape. Each reader can take what they want from the book and realize new things about themselves and grow. Literature is beautiful. When you don't focus so much and lose yourself in a truly great story, everything else becomes alright. I love it when reading engages your subconscious. It makes things more interesting.

~the bigger picture~

The Road

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

by Robert Frost

Every step we take is a step on the road least traveled because all our journey's are unique though we all head in the same direction. Paths cross and diverge yet we all forge ahead on our own roads and hope that at the ultimate end of our lives we meet again. Every step we've taken determine the steps we take in the present and future. Everything happens for a reason...I hope ;)

I look forward to every blue and starry sky and cloudless climes to come, including the potholes. =p and to the roads that I chose not to turn into or tread..well.. no regrets. What you don't know can't hurt you.. lol

One must trust in each person's ability and their own to find their own way. Being human means having doubts and yet still continuing on your path.

the sky was crystal clear and eggshell blue
the sun shone with golden warmth
yet it was freezing!

it is officially summertime

i feel jetlagged over daylight savings =p
i lost only an hour yet that one hour threatens to overturn my already shaky sleeping patterns
slept late, woke up way too late...
how am i ever going to sleep tonight?

life outside the paradigm

its funny how people resist change..
no matter how miniscule and irrelevant it is

to be human is to continually change

we adjust, adapt, evolve

at the end of the day, who we were at the beginning, what we were in the beginning isn't the same as how or what we are in the end

surfing through the tide of information and the empirical
we are created
creatures of construction
and just as we construct new institutional and paradigmal creatures
we recreate ourselves

thats the beauty
in never really knowing someone
everyday is a day of discovery
finding something new to love, to appreciate
thats the real meaning of acceptance

If this isn't love

today is a great day
this weekend has been good
but today (Brunei time) is special

one special person is all it takes

我没有他不行

i thank Allah for this day,
for this one day,
for this one life that made mine infinitely brighter

我最的爱

damn

i come home...

i'm not fine

on my desk is a newspaper..
the words that stand out are.. who you gonna call?

....

i have no one to call

a spiral downwards

i clutch my head

how can this happen..
how could this get so far?

i don't know

i love life

though my blog has been on the melancholy side i am loving life
i'd just like to reaffirm that
i am facing reality.. no more denial..
appreciating my true friends and supporting them and loving them unconditionally

i love to make people smile.. especially those i care about
i'd do anything to make them happy

i'm taking things as they come

i work hard.. play hard
making new friends

could i have done things differently? yeah
do i wish i did? only for some things.. and thats the minority

here's to happiness =)

... oh yeah and world peace =p

Breathe

"can't forget to breathe slow
count fr 1 - 10 with my eyes closed
take it in and gain composure"

it was an emotional end to the (last) week
to cap it, it was the dreaded Valentine's day..
-reversion-
I cried
but not for the reasons you would think
my daydreams took on a life of their own
It's eased part of the feeling of regret that i was beginning to think would stay with me forever
-cathartic-
is it right to ask forgiveness from someone who you have done wrong?
can i forgive myself...?

the sadness remains but in a slightly different form
PMS doesn't help =p
but so far this weekend has proceeded quite well.. a few annoyances here and there...

i wonder if the roots that i have grown have reached their limit n will grow no longer
is my soul set?
are they so intertwined that i will never be able to find my pure self without the other?

nyeh.. i have other immediate concerns to think about..
(like dissertation)
=p

丧魂失魄

memories that are nothing,
yet mean everything.

Those are the hardest to purge from your soul.

Lately I have learned that one should never say 'never'. Especially in a promise.

Also, that no matter how I deceive other people, I have never let go.
Does he know? I don't think so.
making it even more painful every time we wish each other the best.
同一个遗憾。。。always, hopefully not forever, but in all probability this will remain

I have to ingrain into myself the fact that:
"Life is about the journey we have to get through. It only slows us up to look back" (Papers of Eastern Jewel)

drifting in and out of melancholy....
dreaming of snowflakes flirting with my eyelashes...lips... hair...
their utter purity makes me envious

tragedy

i lost something
or maybe i threw it away...
or...maybe... i broke it

everyday i feel that loss

one day, i hope i can find it again

i doubt it
but miracles happen

hope springs eternal
but eternity is really long =p

No Fit State

so finally i find the time to come back here and write something....
as they say.. reluctance to begin is quick to befriend procrastination.
.
.
.
yep.. pretty true...
but anyway Happy New Year for anyone reading.. the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 was abit of a mad rush really and I'm finding lately I'm busier than ever.. though really that's my own fault.
I think i just about managed to avoid mental meltdown... but I wouldn't bet on that continuing.

have i made any resolutions? well not really
Though I have said goodbye to my last cig.. hopefully =S
and I'm working harder...
...which actually isn't working out so bad.

New Year always brings with it a moment of self-reflection. Those moments where you think long and hard about where you've come from, where you are now, and where you want to be.
"Reality moves eternally forward from conclusion to conclusion"
That's really about the only thing that you can count on =p
But that's besides the point.
The point is..... oh great.. I've forgotten the point of this post.. haha
well.. i don't think there is a point really so i'll just ramble on... hope i don't bore you to death

so.. i was talkin to a friend.. and a big theme was regret.
shoulda woulda coulda
well.. that was going through my mind.. what was going through his is private =p
but it made me think of what if things had been different.
which is a useless thing to do..
at the same time, it made me think of acceptance.
How far are some people willing to go for the person they love.
..or.. how far are you willing to go for something you believe in...

It was all very upsetting really and i can't really say why.
I've been existing in a state where people thought i was happy....and where i hoped that by pretending it would eventually be the case
and ditto for my friend except for the hope it'd turn true bit

its strange coz we're living in exciting times..times surely to be of historical significance
a point on which the future may hinge on
belief systems in disintegration
a first black president
the emergence of china and all that comes with it..

have we reached the pinnacle? is this it?
clearly not
how do u touch and capture the intangible? =p
bleh.. in no fit state