like a shinbashira

the shinbashira in a pagoda acts like a tuned mass-damping system conveying the surplus energy in a swaying pagoda to the ground allowing the pagoda to flex and sway without collapsing
the reason i bring this up is i found it quite an eloquent image
steadfast
to have and to hold
which sort of exemplifies certain thoughts
there's a saying: no matter how hot the charcoal gets in your hand you hold onto it until it becomes ashes
...the context being you wanted something so badly that you disregard any other considerations and do whatever it takes to get it
i find this so apt because you make a decision and then you live with it
no half measures, no quitting
especially not important stuff like marriage
I may be prudish on certain things, but that just shows i have strong morals.. which isn't necessarily bad...
...or good.
Though i do think its important to know when to quit, cut your losses and get rid of dead weight

I am what i am, things are what they are
I am my dad, who is a pillar of strength
I am my family always in the background, there when needed
I am my friends who teach me how, and help me, to enjoy life without worrying about the future..too much
I am who I am because of everyone I know
I like who I am

in the search

some people love the idea of falling or being in love
....just maybe i'm one of those lol
not so much the falling in love (though that's good too) but also the whole idea of a new beginning, starting fresh, seeing all sorts of possibilities open up instead of doors closing in on you
Ayeshah is off to uni.. and im envious. a new school, new people to meet, new things to learn
whereas I'm still plodding on with my dissertation (presently on the road to nowhere)
but then i also think that it is a new time for me too
I don't know where I'll be in the next few months or even year!
I don't know what i'll be doing, whether I'll be happy or freaking depressed...
though i think if i am in love wth the idea of new beginnings i'll probly be atleast trying to make the most of my situation
really.. its quite exciting... and scary
this year has been such an adventure n I'm still looking for more and getting out of that comfort zone
=)
I do wonder though.. if me being in love with the idea of such things will make me search forever for more new beginnings.. not knowing when to stop searching, never finishing what i started properly..
oh well we'll c..
c'est la vie.. lol

Tired

Tired of playing around
of holding up walls that shouldn't have to exist
necessarily holding back myself from making potential mistakes and getting knocked down

not been myself lately
maybe thats what's so wearing...besides my dissertation that is
homesick
wishing of the 'freedom' that home holds
people who know me... who i know
who love me and who i love
comfort
no false caring, no false warmth

i want the real thing

I don't know why...

Certain issues have been playing on my mind

Such as... why does society perpetuate the idea of class and status. More specifically, why is tension created between men and women as to who earns more, or who is 'better'? Both genders, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of this tension when in argument. Suddenly men feel insecure because they feel that the woman they are seeing is of a higher class, or earns more money than them and therefore they do not 'fit in' with said woman's life. That, essentially, they are not good enough. Well it goes both ways really. In the end one feels either they are letting the other down, or the other feels that maybe they should be with someone 'better'. Does it matter? well i guess it does. Should it? i don't think so. We're all consumed by this idea of equality, yet men would definitely rather be the breadwinner and 'man' of the house or 'better' if not equal in terms of education etc.

We constantly create situations where we are in competition with each other or attempt to be in a position in which we can look down on the other. This doesn't really benefit anyone.
Would i like someone who can take care of me? yes, but taking care of me can mean so much more than monetarily.
Would i like someone who is as well educated as me? well.. yes, if only so that i can carry on a decent conversation with him. This doesn't necessarily mean he has to have an Ivy League education.
Ultimately, the standards we set for ourselves are determined by how society feels we should feel, or what parents (who want only the best and are therefore biased as to what is best for you) feel we deserve.
Seeing someone in the eyes of your parents is never the best way to judge.. or in the eyes of society. What should really matter is how you feel and what satisfies you...in this case anyway.
But we can't help but be influenced...

At the end of the day i guess its not so much a matter of why society does what it does but why we allow ourselves to be manipulated in such a way. This constant drive to be better and be in competition.. not healthy really when carried to the extreme or destroys our personal lives.

nyeh i had more thoughts but have forgotten them.. haha...
blame it on the dissertation.. too many serious thoughts goin on... =p

Me in 100 words...or less.

Read a magazine the other day.. a rare enough occurrence
I always end up wanting useless stuff after reading one...
anyway, they were profiling certain woman who had made it professionally, summing up their lives in 100 words.
Thought i should try it, possibly gain some insights into what i think made me the person i am today and the significant times in my life. Shouldn't be too hard since i'm the tender age of 23 =p
so here goes...

The good life in safe, haven-away-from-the-world-Brunei. Friends, basketball, high school. Clueless but content. Rampaging hormones and temper tantrums. Met the Love of my Life but couldn't stop fighting. Cold winters, hot summers of a university undergrad life. Still clueless. Baby sister made me clucky. Adaptation. A calming of temperament, late bloomer of femininity. Opening of eyes to the world during Msc in Bristol. Coming to grips with internal demons. Daddy's girl realization. Still don't know where I'm headed. Single and looking forward to what has yet to come, guided tirelessly by my father.

Yep.. thats about it.. lol... still clueless.. still content. Got lots more to live and experience.
There are moments where i think what if....
but I'm happy with where i am today. All of that which has happened made me and brought me to where i am today. Because of where i am now, mentally and spiritually I really do believe the best is yet to come.