Within the ether of the visceral

journeying along

2010-07-20T17:51:00.003+01:00

"half of my heart's got a grip on the situation Half of my heart takes time" (John Mayer - Half of my heart)

gotta take that time now

to get my heart to the other side...attraversiamo!

to find myself..my word.. my inner peace;

gonne eat love and pray my way out of the shit, whatever it takes

 [in case u didnt know, this 'Eat Love Pray' is a brilliant book b Elizabeth Gilbert its a must read!]

mommy's advice

2010-07-14T09:45:00.002+01:00

my mom's words of wisdom are awesomely.... strange i suppose u could say:

"when it comes to shopping i don't care anymore what the price is, I don't even look at the price. if i like it i get it. how expensive can it be?? 1000? 2000? as long as its under $3000 i'll get it because i like it. "

ahaha should i apply this to my shopping experiences?? hmm mebbe when i actually get a job =p

Defining the problem

2010-06-22T17:33:00.002+01:00

staying back late at work.. i found a colleague's book of poetry by Wendy Cope..

this poem stood out to me:

I can't forgive you. Even if I could,

You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.

And yet I cannot cure myself of love

For what I thought you were before I knew you.

hits the nail right on the head

sittin in an office.. alone but not alone.

melancholy steals over me and I lose myself to my daydreams of what once was.

Mental spring cleaning

2010-04-13T07:23:00.004+01:00

It's now April, and I've been working for a month plus.

I've discovered the little irritants that come with the territory of work, and I like to think I've adjusted pretty well minus a few hiccups here and there.

F1 exhibition was a nightmare that, like all nightmares, passed me by. So many things went wrong, yet I still preferred that kind of work to the everyday humdrum that I now have to deal with.

Berita Harian makes me zone out.

As always my brain refuses to stop working, and I reckon I've got what is called delayed sleep syndrome.

Twitter and Stumble have given me so much interesting stuff to look at (lol) so I'm digging that right now. Expanding my mind, knowledge and viewpoint on the world.

I've had to confront the fact that I'm not the nice person I thought I was... and I've resolved to try harder to be a better person.

I still wish I was that little bit smarter, quicker, friendlier.. whatever.

What this all amounts to is that:

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion"

Jack Kerouac

And I think this state will continue for awhile, so no one should expect so much from me. I shouldn't expect too much from me until I sort that out. Do i want to sort this out? Sort of... not really... I don't know. haha...

I just want to be happy.

i think i'll be happiest at home for now....

Mental spring cleaning {Work In Progress}...stay tuned to see if i'll ever find a goal or purpose in life =p

f1: the race to get it all done

2010-03-24T04:27:00.005Z

So Petronas are doing an exhibition at F1 here in M'sia...

and I hv the torturous privilege of aiding them in this endeavour..

it is not going well at all.

It is this Saturday and I feel like we're somewhere near finished but not quite where we wanna be.

Things are missing, client doesn't like some of the things. Things are getting cancelled.

God... please don't make me stay in the office til 5am tonight...

I still haven't made up my mind whether I'd like to continue to work here..

Sometimes i think that i could dig it.

Other times I think i'd prefer to do something more worthwhile for the world..

or... be an event planner instead

or..... marry a rich guy and forget about work =p lol

Most of the time i think i should stick it out til the end of one of my projects which i started fr the very beginning.

But we'll c.

I get through the day by thinking about how when I get home I'm just going to shower, change and dive into bed.

Got to try not to open up the computer tonight.

One stop trip to sleep =p

Paranoia

2010-03-09T02:42:00.003Z

*i'm making a list, i'm checkin it twice..i'm paranoid about gettin it wrong a 2nd time*

following my first few errors at work, I'm goin to be so anal abt what i send off from my email that i'll probly be checkin attachments 3 times before i feel comfortable sending it off

personally i think certain people should learn how to communicate more effectively and politely otherwise there will continually be problems... but thats just my opinion =p

im not made for work lol
i do not suffer fools and men who are up themselves gladly
god i hate early mornings

which is why i hv to rant on here =p

bleh. the working life.

due diligence

2010-03-02T03:05:00.003Z

soo.. here i am at my new workplace.. new job... n things are going slowly..
which i think is a good thing
im struggling with the idea tht my family has its place in history yet what
am i doing with my life to ensure tht this 'tradition' (if you will) continues...
im not particularly ambitious. But what do u do when people expect so much
from you?
Live up to their expectations.. or yours?
bleh....
well.. things here at Ova are friendly thank god...
though have you ever noticed how much time is spent on waiting?
waiting for that copy to come in from the designer
waitin for the printout from sum1's desk coz the printer u use is not working
properly
waiting for a call or a message....
stands to reason why i absolutely hate waiting in any part of my life - working or private.
It makes me edgy.. bored.. and worried. Though at work its more bored than anything else.
Waiting wakes my temper in the private parts of my life =p
anyhooo.....

note to self:
1)must get computer fixed.. the buzzing is seriously embarassing when colleagues
come in and need to do sumn on comp.. lol
2) buy some nice earbuds so that i cn listen to music during downtime
3) get some sleep when its possible.. waking up early is such a bitch =p
4) finish book on designing brand identity so when the shit hits the fan i'll be
semi-prepared haha

my life is a blessing = new mantra

Personal Branding
"Regardless of age, regardless of position, regardless of the business we happen to be in, all of us need to understand the importance of branding. We are CEOs of our own companies: Me Inc. To be in business today, our most important job is to be heard marketer for the brand called You."
- Tom Peters

need to bury the castle

2010-02-01T05:54:00.002Z

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic

- brick by boring brick - Paramore

thats how i feel..
only the fairy tale is just a mockery of the reality that i live in
and nightmares intrude too often
too far but too close...
i live in paradoxes.

deceived myself into lies which i thought were truths
oh well.. thats human nature.

gotta try to be a better person.

in the spirit of randomness

2009-12-16T07:29:00.007Z

there's a reason why gymfreaks are called freaks
spending hours at the gym, looking at themselves in the mirror any chance they get
not only are they massively vain, its just downright weird
sure we all want to look good nowadays but these people are just too much =p

and application forms clearly are designed to discourage people from attempting them at all
the hassle they cause and the effort it takes might not be worth the job offer.....
maybe...
but i guess unlikely considering the current financial climate...
on the other hand, considering that, this might be a master plan for companies who want to make it seem like they are hiring and that things are improving while discouraging people from attempting to apply thus not hiring anyone and end up not having to shell out the dough
hmm.. mixing the critical with the cynical today... =p

oh and fat girls should never wear bright pink tights....
and leopard bags mixed with bangle overkill, highlighted hair, done up to the nines makeup, nose stud, sparkly eyelashes and shoes just scream ho. just sayin.

2009-12-14T04:51:00.002Z

damn my woefully massive inferiority complex
i think it comes with twin territory.. all that comparison can't be good for a person
and when it extends to other siblings it just gets worse

at what point is my character no longer coming from me but from other people's perceptions of me? it surely is a 2-way dialogue of negotiation, and while that pisses me off its unavoidable.
how much of me is the way it is because i want other people to think that of me... etc

god it just makes me want to be a hermit

on the inside and outside at the same time. bleh. like im not really there.

if i had a superpower.. i'd be invisible girl. and like all superheroes, it wouldn't hv been my choice.

slim philosophy

2009-12-09T15:27:00.003Z

my gym philosophy can be summed up in the following few words:

I REFUSE to be the chubby one.

gymming commences this weekend.

God help me.

the impossibility of the possible

2009-12-09T10:25:00.004Z

People say anything's possible...

Yet people choose how they see life - the possible or the impossible, the positive or the negative.
but there's always a grey area.
sometimes, its in the impossible that you find reality
and what you think is possible is only a delusion.
Once you open your eyes to the impossible, do u continue to hope in the infinite possibilities that hold a happy ending in each one?
Or cut your losses and let reality take hold?

Sometimes, reality isn't all that.

whee~ life is weird

2009-11-09T16:50:00.002Z

i think there is definitely a correlation between vegetables and how bad ur poo smells
i thought healthy poo was supposed to smell 'good' =S hahahaha

anyhooo....

sigh the word diet enters my vocabulary starting today (sad, dark, days ahead),

and the word triumph re-enters with new meaning =) hehehe

I PASSED MY MASSTTEERRSS WITH A MERIIIT!
i can now return to Bristol in triumph =D

relief... thank god...

breaking the silence

2009-10-14T18:08:00.003+01:00

If i could change my state of mind then i would
disappear

Why can't i realize that I'm fighting for my life? 

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could have been
But still you live inside of me 
So tell me how is that possible

I'll never be the one you understand, the one who
understands u, 
the one who knows forever

no choice but to go on automatic
heart like an engine
every beat like mileage
the lies connect the beats
the misuse bringing me closer to rusting away

from afar, seems i have it all
but it doesn't mean anything

Color me Black

2009-09-17T16:38:00.002+01:00

The colour black has never been for scaredy-cats or conformists but rather it has been adopted as the ultimate signature of a fearless creative class of youth…the seminal style uniform of choice for all who embrace the edgy and the agro of nonconformity. Black, you see, is not just a cult. It is a culture.

by Kim Hastreiter

Caught in the Crossfire

2009-09-16T08:05:00.003+01:00

caught in a web of my own doing
time running out, while infinity suggests irrelevance and imparts a sense of insignificance

in the words of a poet friend:

You [I] prove that there is a way
To be still while running astray

But the arrogance of my mind continues to deceive
and tells me I'm fine
in a bankruptcy of willpower, I am losing and I really don't care
Yet i can't let anyone down
so i perpetuate the illusion that I'm in control

the fruit of my labors, the instrument of torture
its on my mind, all the time,
stealing sleep, robbing me of my sanity

i need to get out of this mess... fast.

i dream

2009-09-09T18:17:00.004+01:00

i dream of being an ass-kicking ninja
fighting evil, doing right

i dream of finishing this dissertation
though it looks like it'll never get done

i dream of a world where there aren't any horrible people
while everyday in little ways you see the worst in humanity

slow down

2009-09-01T17:27:00.003+01:00

my brain has come to a juddering halt
not only am i home but it's also puasa.. laziness, procrastination and a general i-don't-give-a-damn attitude has kicked in
i wake up late, i don't feel like work.. so i don't do any, feel like sleeping.. sometimes do, then i eat and wanna stay out with friends
definitely holiday mode except that i'm not on holiday and i need to get my dissertation done
700 words a day is not going to cut it.... well considering i have 28 days left it could work, but that would leave me no time to go over the draft and i'd rather get it done sooner or later
it does not help that the adults are piling on the pressure because they have such high hopes for me and my topic
people heed my advice.. NEVER choose a topic that charts the events happening in the present especially if your relatives have contacts and take an interest...
other than that i've been getting random thoughts like... i don't know why i persist in drinking atleast one can of coke everyday because the coke here in Bru tastes like crap... =S
nyeh... *whine whine whine*
lol.... oh well, its all good and can only get better after i submit the damned thing
all i ask is that it doesn't expose me for the clueless-about-economics person that i am..

h8

2009-08-10T23:38:00.002+01:00

I don't usually write hateful negative posts but tonight this is unavoidable
betray me and you automatically become dead to me
I don't need nor deserve people like 'you' in my life
I am done with being nice to people who obviously don't deserve it and are double-sided
When you spew the filth that 'you' do just because you're jealous or inadequate its pathetic
When you talk shit about other people who are obviously a million times better than you, you're just exposing yourself as the bastard, undeserving of any attention or empathy
Lately I've been very good at controlling my temper
which is good news for 'you' coz otherwise i wouldn't hesitate to slap the hell out of 'you'
But also... I am done with violence so I'll just cut myself off from your toxicity
and hope that I will never have to speak to or see you ever again.
I don't do this often.. and its sad that I've approached the critical point where I can't take it and will have to take the steps towards erasing 'you' from my life.

i just want to scream.
karma's a bitch and i hope she gets to 'you' soon.

if i don't believe in love...

2009-08-05T15:00:00.003+01:00

So many people getting hitched, having babies, recently
I'm partly jealous, but it partly makes me want to run from the whole institution
I used to believe wholeheartedly in it
Lately, however, I've had a rethink of my ideals and beliefs.
While I still believe strongly in the family unit I don't know if i believe in love anymore.. or atleast whether relationships can last forever.
And that impacts on my whole thoughts on the subject.
If love (or relationships) don't last forever then... marriage is definitely a mistake.
It all seems like a paradox really.
I want to believe in forever, being a closet romantic, but my realistic side tells me that its unlikely.

If I don't believe in love nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is safe for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love nothing is new for me - Dido


Oh well, lots of time to find out
So in the meanwhile:

Calm down, deep breaths
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

I have no control over what happens anyway
We can pray for sunny weather, but that won't stop the rain =)

like a shinbashira

2009-07-31T22:03:00.002+01:00

the shinbashira in a pagoda acts like a tuned mass-damping system conveying the surplus energy in a swaying pagoda to the ground allowing the pagoda to flex and sway without collapsing
the reason i bring this up is i found it quite an eloquent image
steadfast
to have and to hold
which sort of exemplifies certain thoughts
there's a saying: no matter how hot the charcoal gets in your hand you hold onto it until it becomes ashes
...the context being you wanted something so badly that you disregard any other considerations and do whatever it takes to get it
i find this so apt because you make a decision and then you live with it
no half measures, no quitting
especially not important stuff like marriage
I may be prudish on certain things, but that just shows i have strong morals.. which isn't necessarily bad...
...or good.
Though i do think its important to know when to quit, cut your losses and get rid of dead weight

I am what i am, things are what they are
I am my dad, who is a pillar of strength
I am my family always in the background, there when needed
I am my friends who teach me how, and help me, to enjoy life without worrying about the future..too much
I am who I am because of everyone I know
I like who I am

in the search

2009-07-26T18:05:00.001+01:00

some people love the idea of falling or being in love
....just maybe i'm one of those lol
not so much the falling in love (though that's good too) but also the whole idea of a new beginning, starting fresh, seeing all sorts of possibilities open up instead of doors closing in on you
Ayeshah is off to uni.. and im envious. a new school, new people to meet, new things to learn
whereas I'm still plodding on with my dissertation (presently on the road to nowhere)
but then i also think that it is a new time for me too
I don't know where I'll be in the next few months or even year!
I don't know what i'll be doing, whether I'll be happy or freaking depressed...
though i think if i am in love wth the idea of new beginnings i'll probly be atleast trying to make the most of my situation
really.. its quite exciting... and scary
this year has been such an adventure n I'm still looking for more and getting out of that comfort zone
=)
I do wonder though.. if me being in love with the idea of such things will make me search forever for more new beginnings.. not knowing when to stop searching, never finishing what i started properly..
oh well we'll c..
c'est la vie.. lol

Tired

2009-07-17T14:55:00.002+01:00

Tired of playing around
of holding up walls that shouldn't have to exist
necessarily holding back myself from making potential mistakes and getting knocked down

not been myself lately
maybe thats what's so wearing...besides my dissertation that is
homesick
wishing of the 'freedom' that home holds
people who know me... who i know
who love me and who i love
comfort
no false caring, no false warmth

i want the real thing

I don't know why...

2009-07-11T23:22:00.002+01:00

Certain issues have been playing on my mind

Such as... why does society perpetuate the idea of class and status. More specifically, why is tension created between men and women as to who earns more, or who is 'better'? Both genders, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of this tension when in argument. Suddenly men feel insecure because they feel that the woman they are seeing is of a higher class, or earns more money than them and therefore they do not 'fit in' with said woman's life. That, essentially, they are not good enough. Well it goes both ways really. In the end one feels either they are letting the other down, or the other feels that maybe they should be with someone 'better'. Does it matter? well i guess it does. Should it? i don't think so. We're all consumed by this idea of equality, yet men would definitely rather be the breadwinner and 'man' of the house or 'better' if not equal in terms of education etc.

We constantly create situations where we are in competition with each other or attempt to be in a position in which we can look down on the other. This doesn't really benefit anyone.
Would i like someone who can take care of me? yes, but taking care of me can mean so much more than monetarily.
Would i like someone who is as well educated as me? well.. yes, if only so that i can carry on a decent conversation with him. This doesn't necessarily mean he has to have an Ivy League education.
Ultimately, the standards we set for ourselves are determined by how society feels we should feel, or what parents (who want only the best and are therefore biased as to what is best for you) feel we deserve.
Seeing someone in the eyes of your parents is never the best way to judge.. or in the eyes of society. What should really matter is how you feel and what satisfies you...in this case anyway.
But we can't help but be influenced...

At the end of the day i guess its not so much a matter of why society does what it does but why we allow ourselves to be manipulated in such a way. This constant drive to be better and be in competition.. not healthy really when carried to the extreme or destroys our personal lives.

nyeh i had more thoughts but have forgotten them.. haha...
blame it on the dissertation.. too many serious thoughts goin on... =p

Me in 100 words...or less.

2009-07-04T01:54:00.002+01:00

Read a magazine the other day.. a rare enough occurrence
I always end up wanting useless stuff after reading one...
anyway, they were profiling certain woman who had made it professionally, summing up their lives in 100 words.
Thought i should try it, possibly gain some insights into what i think made me the person i am today and the significant times in my life. Shouldn't be too hard since i'm the tender age of 23 =p
so here goes...

The good life in safe, haven-away-from-the-world-Brunei. Friends, basketball, high school. Clueless but content. Rampaging hormones and temper tantrums. Met the Love of my Life but couldn't stop fighting. Cold winters, hot summers of a university undergrad life. Still clueless. Baby sister made me clucky. Adaptation. A calming of temperament, late bloomer of femininity. Opening of eyes to the world during Msc in Bristol. Coming to grips with internal demons. Daddy's girl realization. Still don't know where I'm headed. Single and looking forward to what has yet to come, guided tirelessly by my father.

Yep.. thats about it.. lol... still clueless.. still content. Got lots more to live and experience.
There are moments where i think what if....
but I'm happy with where i am today. All of that which has happened made me and brought me to where i am today. Because of where i am now, mentally and spiritually I really do believe the best is yet to come.

Been there done that

2009-06-28T22:08:00.003+01:00

Eurotrip concluded successfully
cut short actually... laptop withdrawal... comfort withdrawal.... other stuff
tiring, great experiences with some fun times mixed in
result: personal growth and discovery

eurotrips are not for me lol
quality not quantity.. shoulda known... =p
now i know for sure =)

but 20+days without msn makes me feel more out of touch than i already am
complicated lonerism
oh well...
resort to consumerism... i want my handbag!! and i will get it... hehehe
among other things...

u should experience everything once.. this is my time to be broke...

dealing with it

2009-06-02T00:02:00.002+01:00

I've come to realize that one of the fundamental differences between people are the way they deal and react to adversity and disappointment. There are loads of different ways but ultimately people either say you're strong or weak. Survival of the fittest.
I personally prefer to either communicate to someone about it and let out the frustration - verbally or with the written word, or indulge in some self-analysis and contemplation until I figure out where it or what went wrong and take steps to correct it. Thinking positively and being happy is such a better way to spend time. Life is way too short to wallow in self-misery for any length of time. If you know what's wrong... fix it, do something for gods sake.
"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement and impossibilities. It is this that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak"
Progress is a good one too. Why stay stationary when you can continuously improve, adapt, and evolve hopefully for the better.

"Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find that you have crossed the mountain."
People need to remember that they moan over the smallest things and not forget about the bigger picture. Whatever happens to you, there's worse going on in the world and even if you stumble and fall you just have to get back up and keep going until things get better coz if you don't things will never get better.

Suspenseful waiting

2009-05-28T13:40:00.003+01:00

so its the build-up to my birthday and Eurotrip..
exciting stuff...
and it seems like the fun has already begun with my trip in Newcastle which was surreal but absolutely fantastic! XD
all this excitement has rendered me useless in terms of dissertation work..
not good....
i can only imagine what i'll be like by the end of the eurotrip... hopelessly idle as exhaustion sets in and the buzz fades
with only a weekend to recover and the prospect of two months of really hard work to keep me going...
bleh.. lol
i keep telling myself it'll be worth it...
It better be

"The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be plucked"
Ralph Waldo Emerson

looking out the window (credits to Robert Browning)

2009-05-22T11:25:00.004+01:00

'I wandered lonely as a cloud...'

dwelling among the untrodden ways...

changing shadows
with every step i take

i contemplate the meeting at night, and the parting of morn
of the 'quiet-colored end of evening' in my hometown

seeing in my mind's eye:

'The grey sea and the long black land;
And the yellow half-moon large and low;
And the startled little waves that leap
In fiery ringlets from their sleep,
...
Then a mile of warm sea-scented beach;
...'

dreaming of a long-awaited meeting of heartbeats
while doors succeed doors
suns and moons wax and wane

I think of how.. 'I will but say what mere friends say,
Or only a thought stronger;
I will hold your hand but as long as all may,
Or so very little longer! '

'and God smiles as he has always smiled;'
and I smile with him.

Rude Awakening

2009-05-09T14:43:00.004+01:00

I haven't even begun to read Les Miserables yet, but i know its going to be a good thought-provoking read.

misere: (1) misery (2) utmost poverty, destitution
Les Miserables: the poor, the wretched, the outcasts, the underdogs, the rejected of society and the rebels against society

There exists a condition of social condemnation, artificially creating a human hell within civilization. We continue to live with the degradation of man, the subjection of women and the atrophy of the child. Nowhere is social asphyxia more obvious than the so-called kingdom of unexpected treasures (or whatever spiel they got going on now).
Be seen and be judged. That's how it is.

This malaise is only compounded by the increasingly stifling religiosity of the place.
Today I passed some devout christians in the street attempting to inspire people in their faith, not just by preaching but using rap and song to send out their message. While i do not agree in their message I applaud their modernity.
It forces me to contrast their methods with that of muslims, and what most people see coming from them today. What we see and think of is hate preaching or terrorism or restriction. The demand for obedience rather than demand of faith. This is wrong, no? There seems to be an outdated-ness, an inability or unwillingness to compromise or evolve with the times, which if they really wish to inspire faith in us might be needed. Faith and obedience are two very different things and people should recognize that.

Disclaimer: Just some random thoughts, no harm meant. Provocative but essentially harmless musings. Anyone offended by this.. ur too sensitive =p

Toxic debt

2009-05-07T12:17:00.003+01:00

I don't know why we are so inclined to destroy this world.

While i used to think i had no issues with hunting as long as it was legal and not of endangered species, reading the newspaper today about a woman who killed an elephant with a bow and arrow because of a bet kinda disgusts me. The fact that she was praised on hunting websites for it is also quite disgusting. I suppose its the glorification of the whole thing that is abhorrent. I don't really see why people are so proud to have brought any magnificent animal low, though i guess considering how people treat each other it shouldn't really be a surprise. They call it an achievement.... well.... i think there are better things to do in your life than pick on animals for the sake of a bet.

Silver Iterance

2009-05-05T00:04:00.002+01:00

What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!
- Victor Hugo

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain. - Shakespeare

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
that word is love. - Sophocles

Lately i've been into poetry. And these quotes express how I'm feeling perfectly.
It's amazing how one phone call can make your day.. make you smile.. make everything alright and bright.
My mom called. My baby sis was actually thinking of ME! Said she misses her kakak Didi, so my mom called me before she went to school. I got to talk to her... and she sounded so cute. She said she misses me.
I miss everyone so much. I love them so much.
L.O.V.E~

Excerpt

2009-04-30T14:54:00.006+01:00

"...in life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant. The builders might take years over their tasks, but one day, they finish what they're doing. Then they find they're hemmed in by their own walls. Life loses its meaning when the building stops.
Then there are those who plant. They endure storms and all the many vicissitudes of the seasons, and they rarely rest. But unlike a building, a garden never stops growing. And while it requires the gardener's constant attention, it also allows life for the gardener to be a great adventure.
...in the history of each plant lies the growth of the whole World."
Paul Coelho, Brida

This is why i love books so much. "Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside of you" - Carlos Ruiz Zafon. It's about resonance, and provoking self-reflection while taking you away from the reality that you want to escape. Each reader can take what they want from the book and realize new things about themselves and grow. Literature is beautiful. When you don't focus so much and lose yourself in a truly great story, everything else becomes alright. I love it when reading engages your subconscious. It makes things more interesting.

~the bigger picture~

The Road

2009-04-29T14:27:00.005+01:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

by Robert Frost

Every step we take is a step on the road least traveled because all our journey's are unique though we all head in the same direction. Paths cross and diverge yet we all forge ahead on our own roads and hope that at the ultimate end of our lives we meet again. Every step we've taken determine the steps we take in the present and future. Everything happens for a reason...I hope ;)

I look forward to every blue and starry sky and cloudless climes to come, including the potholes. =p and to the roads that I chose not to turn into or tread..well.. no regrets. What you don't know can't hurt you.. lol

One must trust in each person's ability and their own to find their own way. Being human means having doubts and yet still continuing on your path.

2009-03-29T21:18:00.002+01:00

the sky was crystal clear and eggshell blue
the sun shone with golden warmth
yet it was freezing!

it is officially summertime

i feel jetlagged over daylight savings =p
i lost only an hour yet that one hour threatens to overturn my already shaky sleeping patterns
slept late, woke up way too late...
how am i ever going to sleep tonight?

life outside the paradigm

2009-03-20T13:33:00.002Z

its funny how people resist change..
no matter how miniscule and irrelevant it is

to be human is to continually change

we adjust, adapt, evolve

at the end of the day, who we were at the beginning, what we were in the beginning isn't the same as how or what we are in the end

surfing through the tide of information and the empirical
we are created
creatures of construction
and just as we construct new institutional and paradigmal creatures
we recreate ourselves

thats the beauty
in never really knowing someone
everyday is a day of discovery
finding something new to love, to appreciate
thats the real meaning of acceptance

If this isn't love

2009-03-14T21:39:00.004Z

today is a great day
this weekend has been good
but today (Brunei time) is special

one special person is all it takes

我没有他不行

i thank Allah for this day,
for this one day,
for this one life that made mine infinitely brighter

我最的爱

damn

2009-03-06T01:17:00.003Z

i come home...

i'm not fine

on my desk is a newspaper..
the words that stand out are.. who you gonna call?

....

i have no one to call

a spiral downwards

i clutch my head

how can this happen..
how could this get so far?

i don't know

i love life

2009-02-26T02:02:00.003Z

though my blog has been on the melancholy side i am loving life
i'd just like to reaffirm that
i am facing reality.. no more denial..
appreciating my true friends and supporting them and loving them unconditionally

i love to make people smile.. especially those i care about
i'd do anything to make them happy

i'm taking things as they come

i work hard.. play hard
making new friends

could i have done things differently? yeah
do i wish i did? only for some things.. and thats the minority

here's to happiness =)

... oh yeah and world peace =p

Breathe

2009-02-21T01:53:00.003Z

"can't forget to breathe slow
count fr 1 - 10 with my eyes closed
take it in and gain composure"

it was an emotional end to the (last) week
to cap it, it was the dreaded Valentine's day..
-reversion-
I cried
but not for the reasons you would think
my daydreams took on a life of their own
It's eased part of the feeling of regret that i was beginning to think would stay with me forever
-cathartic-
is it right to ask forgiveness from someone who you have done wrong?
can i forgive myself...?

the sadness remains but in a slightly different form
PMS doesn't help =p
but so far this weekend has proceeded quite well.. a few annoyances here and there...

i wonder if the roots that i have grown have reached their limit n will grow no longer
is my soul set?
are they so intertwined that i will never be able to find my pure self without the other?

nyeh.. i have other immediate concerns to think about..
(like dissertation)
=p

丧魂失魄

2009-02-11T18:12:00.005Z

memories that are nothing,
yet mean everything.

Those are the hardest to purge from your soul.

Lately I have learned that one should never say 'never'. Especially in a promise.

Also, that no matter how I deceive other people, I have never let go.
Does he know? I don't think so.
making it even more painful every time we wish each other the best.
同一个遗憾。。。always, hopefully not forever, but in all probability this will remain

I have to ingrain into myself the fact that:
"Life is about the journey we have to get through. It only slows us up to look back" (Papers of Eastern Jewel)

drifting in and out of melancholy....
dreaming of snowflakes flirting with my eyelashes...lips... hair...
their utter purity makes me envious

tragedy

2009-01-28T01:57:00.003Z

i lost something
or maybe i threw it away...
or...maybe... i broke it

everyday i feel that loss

one day, i hope i can find it again

i doubt it
but miracles happen

hope springs eternal
but eternity is really long =p

No Fit State

2009-01-22T18:42:00.002Z

so finally i find the time to come back here and write something....
as they say.. reluctance to begin is quick to befriend procrastination.
.
.
.
yep.. pretty true...
but anyway Happy New Year for anyone reading.. the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009 was abit of a mad rush really and I'm finding lately I'm busier than ever.. though really that's my own fault.
I think i just about managed to avoid mental meltdown... but I wouldn't bet on that continuing.

have i made any resolutions? well not really
Though I have said goodbye to my last cig.. hopefully =S
and I'm working harder...
...which actually isn't working out so bad.

New Year always brings with it a moment of self-reflection. Those moments where you think long and hard about where you've come from, where you are now, and where you want to be.
"Reality moves eternally forward from conclusion to conclusion"
That's really about the only thing that you can count on =p
But that's besides the point.
The point is..... oh great.. I've forgotten the point of this post.. haha
well.. i don't think there is a point really so i'll just ramble on... hope i don't bore you to death

so.. i was talkin to a friend.. and a big theme was regret.
shoulda woulda coulda
well.. that was going through my mind.. what was going through his is private =p
but it made me think of what if things had been different.
which is a useless thing to do..
at the same time, it made me think of acceptance.
How far are some people willing to go for the person they love.
..or.. how far are you willing to go for something you believe in...

It was all very upsetting really and i can't really say why.
I've been existing in a state where people thought i was happy....and where i hoped that by pretending it would eventually be the case
and ditto for my friend except for the hope it'd turn true bit

its strange coz we're living in exciting times..times surely to be of historical significance
a point on which the future may hinge on
belief systems in disintegration
a first black president
the emergence of china and all that comes with it..

have we reached the pinnacle? is this it?
clearly not
how do u touch and capture the intangible? =p
bleh.. in no fit state

chance encounters and unknown vistas

2008-12-14T04:36:00.002Z

it is the most unexpected encounters that are the best
the ones that take you completely by surprise and knock you off course
only to find that the new course before you holds so much more than you thought was possible than when you were on your original path
they literally open your eyes and suddenly.... life is great again
it is no longer a life of drudgery
but of vibrant colors, endless choices and possibilities
all it takes is one chance encounter to make life seem worth living again
eagerness to know more, do more fills your time again

my eyes have opened
and I don't know if, with this new understanding, i can go back to the way things were
i know more.. i want to do more.. experience everything there is to experience
meet people.. explore the world
every so often I have a revelation.. an epiphany perhaps
taking me ever further from my past goals and dreams
whether this is a good thing or bad i really have no idea..
all i know is I'm changeable and i can't change that..
i wouldn't want to change that even if i could

vistas appear, doors close
there is no exit, there is only the opportunity to move forward
to make the most of the choices presented and the life that you are given
I intend to.... despite the consequences that may occur

a concentrated phenomenon based on vague motives

2008-11-22T14:50:00.002Z

life seems unreal lately...
a return to drifting through life with no real aims apart from immediate survival
a wake up (usually late), eat (sometimes), go to class, do the readings, watch stuff online, chat, go to sleep and then go on repeat.
I've become an adept at escaping from reality
essentially running away
at the end of the day that is where my concentration and consciousness lies... unreality
however, i have had a few revelations which may seem at odds with this unreal state:
i hate inward-thinking, the world is global ppl and we need to think beyond the tiny territory of comfort which we call home and realize that there is a big world out there holding many possibilities and opportunities to be experienced; only in such a way will we be able to break free from the prevailing stasis and starting moving forward.
we truly are an MTV society, where all we think about (in relation to the rest of the world) are parties, drinking and drugs.
There is a real lack of awareness to worldwide events. Thinking that if it doesn't affect you directly it doesn't matter is wrong and you will probably be proved wrong to the detriment of society.
Even in my fog of unreality i realize and stretch my awareness..
haha u could say my consciousness stretches across dimensions.. (geeky =S)
I wanna get out there... i wanna live my life... i wanna stretch my boundaries and go beyond my comfort zone..
who's joining me? =p

-dissatisfaction is the state of the day-

suspended between heartbeats

2008-10-12T17:46:00.002+01:00

profundity can be found anywhere.. especially in the unlikeliest places:

Another long night, lost in your e-mails,
Alone in the room, with nothing but the screen's glare,
Feeling happy and sad at the same time,
There's nothing to do but let the hours fly by.

I've watched the same drama unfold so many times,
Today kinda...feels like i'm watching it again,
The instant you started smiling was when the new story began,
But i know the days will still be full of uncertainty and apprehension,
So open up your eyes and replace your loneliness with something more,
Find your lost bravery and hold it up high!

1 week of uni.. 9 more to go... torture!

Summer's end/an exercise in the written word

2008-09-27T21:30:00.009+01:00

In the shimmering distance the heat makes itself visible; in the beads of sweat that spring up as we step out of the car it is felt. It builds within the loosely wound billows of my headscarf, prompting any perspiration to succumb to gravity. The shade of an opened umbrella offers little relief, the humidity so great it feels as if I am breathing through a damp towel. I step through the cemetery, following the winding path upwards between gravestones and vegetation, at the center of a somber procession, which halts and gathers around the tombstones of my forefathers.

We settle into our makeshift seats among the marble and stone, unyielding against our flesh, testament to ages gone and ages to come. The crickets or grasshoppers sound all around us. The voices of others among the cemetery reach us, faintly but surely. It is that time, which for me signals the coming to an end of summer and my time in Brunei. Much as we are here to acknowledge the passing of life and ultimately time, before we celebrate its presence. Ustaz's sonorous chanting permeates the thick atmosphere, languidly spiralling upwards with the pungent smoke of incense; which winds its way up the stalks growing from the graves, over and beyond the blood red edges of its leaves. The passing of time seems as turbid as the air around us. I grow restless, the marble underneath me growing more uncomfortable by the minute. A cool breeze teases me and then is gone.

Prayers finished, we take turns to perform the last few rites, and make our way down and out of the cemetery breathing a sigh of relief as the cold air from the airconditioning in the car hits us and we rid ourselves of the binding scarves. The solemnity stays with me. In a few days I would be gone.

My last few days I engaged and reveled in the company of those most closest to me, and that one who is most dearest. Flying off was a goodbye to the physicality of my being. There were no tears, only sadness and the hope that we could hold on til my time here is at an end. Summer flashes in my head. Like undeveloped photos, that will never see the light of day but will remain forever. Good times. One last hug. One last kiss. One last touch, wave and glance.... and summer 2008 was officially over as I flew on wings to gray, murky climes and the shadowy future.

I look forward to the end of this year, and summer 2009, with great anticipation.
Fay ce que voudras. Do what you like. Do what you can. Whatever it takes.
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. =D

SANS logic

2008-09-15T16:48:00.003+01:00

not feeling particularly articulate...
but the urge to blog is strong =p

so... what animal is this....??? coz no one has any idea.. =S haha

Stationary

2008-08-12T04:13:00.003+01:00

Is time moving at all??

i swear it is because my holiday is passing me by at an alarming rate
however..... at times it doesn't seem to have moved at all!
For example, in the office.
Watching the clock obsessively, willing the hands to move faster(which they don't and instead seem to move slower), while I do what amounts to absolutely nothing for the workday.
Eyelids drooping in protest at the lack of sleep I had the previous night, I observe that it is nearly lunchtime and decide to head outside my dreary little cubicle (a testament to the utter lack of individuality here in Brunei) to make a call.
Only to be waylaid by the Permanent Secretary during the call and asked to enter his lair/office to peruse his collection of books. While I attempt to conduct a decent conversation with gum in my mouth. Honestly, I felt rude. Hope he doesn't mention that little detail to my dad.
Anyway, that brings me to another reason time seems to have not moved for me.
Daddy is still looking out for his baby girl. Even though she's 22 and is currently working at MFA on attachment.
How embarrassing.
Words cannot express the humiliation I felt that through the grapevine my dad found out that I got told I had to wear baju kurung instead of the smart clothes I was wearing and decided to call the Permanent Secretary to inquire as to whether there was a dress code at MFA, and informing him of the treatment I received. Which filtered down through the offices as they attempted to find who told me off so they could be told whats what. Why my dad is concerned over such a trivial matter is beyond me. The fact that this could mean my social death at the workplace probably did not even occur in his head. This is the stuff of nightmares. What will he do when I get a proper job?? =S
'Coming to my rescue' is indicative of how he still views me as his little baby and his interference in my workplace, which is certainly not welcome, demonstrates a need to let (and his problems with letting) go. =p
the 'rents have issues! haha =p

I really don't want to be seen as a little snobby princess wherever I go 'coz I'm not...! and i definitely do not go running to daddy over any little thing ..hmf...

oh yeah.. and how come I seem to be instantly recognizable on sight by anyone and everyone???? Its actually annoying 'coz sometimes I just have no idea who they are but they know who i am. Sux.

Being bored to death. Craving sleep and cuddles. Seemingly stationary.

mired in insanity

2008-07-20T18:01:00.007+01:00

I am....

a whirlpool of thoughts

a flash flood of emotions

a prediction of stormy weather ahead

*starcrossed*

stuck in static, I move forward in time but the past hounds me and the future intrudes on the present;
conspirators whispers spread maliciousness.
moments of clarity flash like lightening, briefly illuminating but highlighting exactly how dark black can be.
a noxious cloud of uncertainty and doubts suck the optimism out of me.
society, polluted and dragged down by those with money and do nothing with it
education, a catchphrase of the political; in reality an illusion
action, a figment of imagination which people pretend to strive for but never achieve

parents should be re-educated. shown that they need to produce a generation of global citizens not slacker bums. Who will care if we don't?
Society needs to open its eyes and re-evaluate the currently prevailing mores and values. In a situation where modernization is progressing so slowly we might as well be moving backwards in time, they'd rather preserve their holier-than-thou attitude than actually do something good for the economy/country. When everybody knows that those who can make a difference probably have the worst laundry there is.
And when are people going to realize there are bigger problems than this to be concerned about rather than petty scandals. If they are going to concern themselves with insignificance why not put all that misplaced energy to use and actually protest at the appalling state of things. Really, is the knowing who's who, or who's going out with who, more important than world events? Do we really think if something doesn't affect us personally there wont be any consequences or implications for us? Maybe if there were a semblance of a nightlife here, or if we were able to actually go out and do things in the open rather than furtively, people would mind their own business.... on the other hand maybe not considering that is the culture. Either way it is a comment on the systemic closedmindedness and willful ignorance that I'm forced to experience everyday.

*you think your mind is open.. but it isn't*

slowly, i begin to see the flaws in what i once thought was good and perfect. It isn't a good feeling. I work hard to gain respect and trust, but never seem to get close to gaining it. If i were striving for the heavens, I'm starting to realize what is the point? Might as well get a little closer to hell where it's warm and less judgmental. What does it take to prove yourself?
Coz the effort is driving me insane.

love me and i'll love you =p haha

flashback

2008-07-18T18:47:00.002+01:00

It just came to me a while ago that the previous post was incomplete.
Over the KL trip and the last month or so there have been loooaadds of... 'lessons', if you will. Some ironic. Some hurtful. Some just downright weird and funny. Here's a few:

When pursuing what appears to be single girls in the club, don't hesitate to go for it. However, in the event that males who are so obviously their significant others make an appearance, do not hesitate to abort the mission. =p Trust your instincts, just like rats will jump ship at the first signs of imminent doom, so should you in this given situation.
Some signs of inevitable failure are if the girls do not gyrate to your rhythm or do not show any interest. Another obvious one is if they start to dance with people they seem to be very familiar with. Easy enough signals to read, receive and react on unless you are a certain somebody. =D
Oh yes, and if your friends start to get horrified looks on their face, thats also another sign that things are not going well and an immediate withdrawal should be made hehe

Another one is (though some of the principles given above can be used) do not let guys/girls deceive you with pretty words and persuasive/seductive actions. If they do not include you in their life, or give it to you straight, its best to just cut your losses asap and start looking for someone new. There is absolutely no point in lingering over what is obviously a losing battle in the first place. I urge anyone to just get straight to the point, face the issue and find out the truth. If the other person shies away or gives a crappy, all over the pace, wishy washy answer... just forget it. You know what you want. If they don't, thats their problem. Wish them well and get the hell away. Some things are just not worth it.

When you find what you want, or find something good, hold on to it. Whatever it takes. oh yeah, honesty is usually always the best policy. =p works for me haha
There's also no use in waiting for fun to come to you, you make things fun.

err... hmm.. can't be bothered to think anymore.. haha

Stay in school and be thankful everyday =p
wuuuuvvvv 678

behind the vertigo

2008-07-11T07:36:00.002+01:00

vertigo: a dizzying sensation of tilting within stable surroundings or of being in tilting or spinning surroundings

summer has yet to peak, but I've already reached vertiginous heights from which I never want to come back down from.
kick-started the summer with a short trip to KL....
note to self: next time bring own towel....
learnt a few things....
like how to rough it haha though that is debatable considering i brought my own hair straightener but still... no separate shower cubicle in the bathroom??? unexpected..unexperienced... and.. oh yes, next time i should bring sandals in the event i should come across this again. Thank god i came away from the experience without athletes foot or some other yucky fungus....
and something that puzzled me was the fact that a brand new club had squatting toilets... =S
crossed a few things off my "To-do list" ;)
one of which was.. how does it feel to have a severe allergic reaction which really, was quite interesting; the whole difficulty in breathing and blurry vision was sorta scary sorta compelling. Rushed to a clinic, after puking my guts out by some taxis, got a jab and some meds and i was good to go.. haha.. i still don't know what did that to me tho.. hmm....
the rest of the "to-do list" is under a strict *what happens in KL stays in KL* policy.. unless you ask me and I'm ok with telling you ;) haha
well.. overall the trip was one huge adventure and thats all that counts...

after that things just got better n better... got accepted into Bristol...

while the parents are away, the cat will play ;)
out and about
doing what i can
falling, tumbling, freewheeling into happiness

=D

uuhh.... what?

2008-06-30T05:48:00.003+01:00

mind's kinda outta there in the nowhere and everywhere
if you know what i mean....
as another one bites the dust I have the next 2hrs to sit and contemplate the why's, what for's and all the other touchy feely stuff that comes to mind when you have a long drive ahead...
i live in my head too much
somebody bring me out into the 'real' world...

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

those questions seem better off not being answered really...
so ill finish off with a little bit of Mika attitude

I got to be wholesome
I coud be loathsome
Guess i'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

despite the melancholy im actually alright.. better than alright =D
more on KL later where it was all about the adventure and experience...;)

~determined to not worry and to be happy~

NEWSFLASH

2008-06-12T10:30:00.004+01:00

LOLITA GOES LOCO!!!

The police believe that China Doll Loli is the alter-ego of law-abiding Didi Ahmad. The authorities are still trying to piece together the events that led to the rampage of today but believe her retreat into another personality to be a result of victimization, of social pressure and unwanted advice. Meanwhile, the carnage continues as all otaku and men succumb to their lolita complexes and join her army for world domination.

Her demands are simple. Surrender or die. America has spearheaded the counter-assault, assuming automatic control of the world's armed forces in normal arrogant fashion. However, the growing anime and manga fanbase around the world is increasing at an exponential rate and some justifiably fear for their lives. Should China Doll Loli's takeover be successful the world as we know it could be altered forever. Political analysts and experts foresee either total anarchy or an extent of dictatorship unknown and not experienced in all history, even challenging American domination in the present.

People are warned to stay away from China Doll Loli a.k.a Didi Ahmad and to be aware of which personality they are approaching if they should meet. China Doll Loli typically has bangs and straight hair, and sports various Lolita looks according to mood. If approached by a goth-lolita please proceed carefully and stay calm. If confronted by a sweet loli do not be alarmed, but do not let your guard down. If she shows signs of rage, it is possible to appease her with chocolate or other confectionery. Didi Ahmad, on the other hand, can also be dangerous but is more likely to stay calm rather than attack. She has a side-parting and usually wears t-shirts and jeans. Authorities warn that she is very unstable, however, and that there is a possibility of other personalities making an appearance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:possible headlines should my parents infuriate me tonight beyond reason

Cost of bravery

2008-06-10T18:32:00.006+01:00

note to self: you don't always have to be brave =p

I don't really know what to say... i got a haircut.
does the fact that I haven't put up a pic mean something?

It's one of those situations where you sort of knew what you wanted, and when you get it you're not sure if you should've gone for it. There I was, in the chair, given a choice between being conventional and taking a risk. Any girl will understand that 'the chair' and 'the choice' can mean life or death (social that is) and 'the choice' shouldn't be taken lightly. if not, things can quickly become a nightmare. Everyone fears coming out of that chair with regret and with no option but to cry and wear a hat. I have the same fear. But I'm the sort of person who, when someone says don't go for it, I do. Just for the hell of it (except for shaving my head, its not worth the grief I'd get). I'm also not one to keep my hair the same way as it was before just because it's the best way to do it. Convention and boring be damned. I wanted something new and I got it..=S
However, I was strangely calm. Giovanni, my hairstylist, was nice. Didn't chat too much but enough. Gave me his opinion, I gave mine. And then we got down to the business, me only slightly quaking in my boots. There were harrowing moments, but in the end I came out of the ordeal relatively unscathed. Anyway, I've got it out of my system now; no longer will I wonder what I would look like with bangs and can cross that off my To-do list (it had been there for awhile and was really bugging me actually). Not sure if I love it or hate it yet.

Can i pull it off? Will my already fragile ego and self-esteem hold up against criticism? Did being brave pay off?
.
.
.
.
.
No
.
.
.
Maybe. Possibly. Either way I have to live with it 'til it grows out. Not taking crap from anyone. =p I'm brave and I don't have to be, but I am. The costs this time are debatable, but I'd rather be brave than boring.
China doll cute/Japanese quirky comin' Brunei's way next week.. watch out!

I don't feel like 'Didi' though..... haha

Updating.....

2008-06-01T16:36:00.004+01:00

*I went to the MCM Expo and all i got was a plush hat with ears*
....JK.. hehe
i got more than a hat =p
the MCM Expo was... bizaarreee... so many ppl.. so many skimpy/tight outfits...
the smell of hair gel was thick in the air... among other things.. =S ;) haha
45mins was all it took for me to wish i was away from the place.. sooo tired walking around....sooo crowded.. but i persevered! and im glad i did coz i got the most PERFECT birthday gift for my bestest fwen in the woild...
oh .. and i really did get the hat with the pointed ears.. i couldn't help myself. 1 word = KAAWWAAIIII
wat else was kawai was the lil boy in the pic.. joke for those looking for free hugs fr this girl.. i dunno wat it is about these conventions but there sure were loads of kids goin round giving *free hugs*.. since when hugs actually cost sumn elsewhere is beyond me haha i was a victim of a free hug mob... hav a pic of the cheeky buggers but cnt be bothered to put it up =D
it was an interesting experience.. next time.. ill cosplay ;) haha who's with me??!

that was followed by a very crappy week in which my anticipation at turning 22 dissipated somewhat due to a few totally uncalled for comments from certain individuals....
however.. Nadal continues his winning streak in France.. =D hehe lookin oh so good in green..
Celtics vs Lakers in the NBA ..

but anyway.. my birthday was a blast =D.. even tho i celebrated early which kind of took the meaning out of it. it was still FUUUN.. and anyway it was like i was celebrating Tina's birthday haha.. ;) Thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday haha.. it was surprising how many actually did... this yr's birthday felt good..
i really liked the club The End... its awesome.. ppl if ur in London check it out haha
the company was good.. the shots were good *nyuummyy*.. it was all good =)
now im 22.. and its my actual birthday day.... I was treated to the dulcet tones of my dad's voice over the fone singing the Birthday song haha and got taken to lunch to Mandarin Kitchen in Bayswater with my toks n Lisa.. (ppl if ur in London u gotta check this place out and eat the steamed King Scallops.. nyyaammaann!)
me-time tonite... im due for a good pampering anyway. u gotta love alone time...
i've decided i love surprises.. well good ones.. not bad ones *obviously*
it just adds something extra to the humdrum of everyday life.. =p and when its sumn good.. it just makes u feel soooo good..
I had a good birth-day this yr..

Lookin fwd to making the rest of the yr as awesome as possible.
Making myself get out there n do things i haven't done.. (e.g like the anime convention) =D
and generally enjoying life.

Always smiling... =)

rawr*

2008-05-17T18:28:00.003+01:00

life..or karma.. has proven once again that it is an arbitrary bitch
totally tripped me up and threw me for a loop
fell flat on my face... but it seems no one realized or even noticed so that's ok =p

so i've picked myself up off the ground n dusted myself off
now in the process of moving on...

world's weirdness is getting to me
retreating into anti-social mode
dwindling patience for abrasive people
i ain't no super-person k
never said i was, never will be

plus side: i have discovered Carl Hiaasen. ~satire at its best~

indulging in: cupcakes with super sweet frosting.. yum...

thoughts on: Hunk of the month/week...[ladies.. let me know what you think ;) ]

Nadal win over Djokovic.. plays Federer tomorrow for the Hamburg Cup.. Cmon Nadal!

Boston Celtics.. wtf.. get a grip and beat those Cavaliers...

procrastination mode
so bleh my bleh-ness has blehs... haha.. screw the uni, hello to bumsville

Let me be

=D no worries

life's lessons

2008-05-13T13:29:00.003+01:00

10 reasons why being the eldest child is relevant to your CV/resume as a skill:

1. You are comfortable with being the "Go-To" person: everyone in your family feels comfortable asking you to do anything and everything that they should be capable of doing themselves and can therefore handle anything that comes your way with ease; from booking airplane tickets to babysitting

2. You have been in a position of responsibility practically your whole life

3. You are able to subdue personal interest/wishes for the greater good: team player; willing to take a hit for the team (predicated on years of covering up for siblings and trying to make your parents happy)

4. Management of staff would be a breeze after your life-long stint as arbitrator between siblings-siblings/siblings-parents (only relevant if you were part of a big family haha)
--> good interpersonal/inter-office skills; navigation of office politics with ease

5. This also leads to Good Communication Skills (especially in my case where I am frequently called upon to give bad news to siblings or relay messages between family members =p coz daddy is too wimpy to do it himself, which will obviously come in handy for when the time comes for me to fire someone)

6. You bring new meaning to the world reliable (mostly coz if you don't prove you're reliable you get into trouble or make it harder on yourself to be able to get away with anything which is officially harder for an eldest child)... which leads to:

7. Skilled at intrigue: not that you would put this on your CV but it must come in handy sometime right? >< good poker face perhaps..? hehe

8. Good at filling out forms: from all those time you have to fill in everyone's immigration forms for them hehe... which also means maybe good at forgery...? ;)

9. Policy of Appeasement: well-versed in the art of compromise

10. Age shouldn't be a factor as you are wise beyond your years haha!

Ok... so the last few were just fluffy but being the eldest should definitely give you an edge over other applicants =p just because we deserve it... =D hehe

Quote of the day: Ammarah: "Careful mommy...poo poo drop"
---> message taken from this: take care or the shit will hit the fan...... or the floor.. either way things will get messy ;)

issues n tissues

2008-04-30T15:39:00.003+01:00

I cannot for the life of me understand why people think its better to be so emo over everything
unfortunately it seems to be a growing trend nowadays... to be emo
even if you don't dress/talk/behave like the typical 'emo',
lurking inside most people you'll be able to find the mentality of an 'emo' just waiting for some drama to take advantage of
and when the shit hits the fan, thats when the 'emo-ness' strikes and takes over like a body-snatcher
or people seem to have decided that being all sensitive and crap is just better
let those feelings out
~show the whole world how you feel!! who cares bout what other people think?! scream if you have to~ =p
personally i feel that guys who are too sensitive.. might as well be gay.. i want a MAN.. not a boy... and certainly not someone who's wishy washy and softer than myself =p
apart from that why is being so sensitive and showing your emotions so good?
What happened to good old fashioned stoicism.. y'kno there IS a diff between expressing your feelings and completely making a scene...and what is wrong with stoicism anyway?
pushing your emotions onto others isnt exactly that pleasant either
and under most circumstances just serves to embarrass yourself.. wouldn't we all be better served by showing some rationality and self-control? =p
As for showing everyone how we feel.. not everyone wants to know how you feel

on a whole other random note..
I also cannot understand, and maybe i refuse to, why people are so obsessed with how other ppl think of them n stuff like that
i can't stand the concept of a diet... except when absolutely necessary.. and i can't stand people who do not appreciate food like they should.
like most things in our lives that we take for granted.. food is actually a luxury.. and shouldn't be taken for granted
yet so many people would rather starve themselves to death just for the sake of losing weight or apparently looking good..
sacrificing the utter pleasure of food just so that other people will compliment you seems to be abit pathetic and sad..
food is one of the best things in life..
looking good and being skinny doesn't even register on my scale of important things..
it shouldn't matter so much

and yes this post can be construed as a complete rant at things i'm not happy with, which in part it is, but i felt it had to be said =p
n who asked you to read? ;) hahah

Gemini's rule!

2008-04-27T20:03:00.011+01:00

the King of the Clay courts does it again..
woohoo!!!! GO NADAL!!
kicked Federer's ASS today at the Monte Carlo Masters.. hehehe...

and yes.. he is a Gemini..
born 3rd June 1986.. only 2 days after me huhuhu..
6'1..solid muscle.. tanned....with a great ass HAHA
whether in celebration, in action or in victory.. he damn fiinneee.. ;)

real MEN play tennis.. hehehe
can't quite believe it was a walkover for Federer in the semi's vs Djokovic =( buu...
incidentally... Djokovic himself is a Gemini muahaha...May 22nd 1987.. younger than me.. sigh.. am i old or wat.. =p
n how awesome are Gemini's =p

status: bored n consequently being lecherous *haha*

Being a Gemini: ~Adaptable and versatile~ Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively
Gemini Likes: talking, novelty, variety, anything unusual and working on multiple projects at the same time. Gemini Dislikes: being alone, being in a rut, mental inaction, conventional learning and feeling tied down.

heh.. random random...

right now...

2008-04-17T12:55:00.005+01:00

If i close my eyes and use every ounce of willpower i have to disregard all sensory input i could conceivably think i'm at the beach

I can hear clearly the rhythmic crash and thunder of the waves breaking against the shore
the brightness of the sun penetrating my eyelids

.....

except... thats not waves breaking, its the muffled sound of the howling wind outside
the ebb and flow distinctly different from any wave.. intermittent in strength and timing
there are clear skies for once and sun... though i hesitate to say sunshine
and instead of basking in any kind of warmth i'm freezing my ass off... god knows what's happened to the heating...never mind the fact that it's supposed to be spring.. dunno how i've managed to survive 3 winters here.

i long for my duvet... but will have to do with my scarf/shawl for now
*at work*

-1:49pm-
just discovered the fact that the heating was not on... no wonder .. jeez...

...ha...ha

2008-04-16T14:54:00.003+01:00

my dad thinks he's so funny...
everyone else thinks he's cool.. (because he thinks he's so funny and acts idiotic)
i think he's just chilling out.. what else can you do after having loads of kids n going through the hormonally-charged days over and over again with no end in sight. It only makes sense that you'd have no choice but to take refuge in childish antics and behaviour laced with adult-isms once in awhile... just to show them who's boss =p haha

An example of the hilariousness that is my dad:

The Setting: Msn conversation, negotiating flight plans back home. Dad desperately trying to delay it; me desperately trying to convince him. BUT i have an ace reason - trip to KL/KK third week of June which he encouraged me to organize now. (n damn its gunna be awesome =p)

ai says: (1:45:39 PM)
how about [doing the trip] in aug?:p <--- yes he does use smileys.. you have no idea...

Me says: (1:45:43 PM)
... err.. no :p

ai says: (1:49:51 PM)
doesn't seem that you guys have actually made any firm plans yet..*-) <---- adult eye-rolling

Me says: (1:50:07 PM)
we hv firm plans to go sumwhere :p

ai says: (1:50:37 PM)
i bet those firm plans may end up being empire hotel...hahahahahahaha <---- notice how much he's laughing at his own joke and the utter glee at the thought that the trip might not happen

Me says: (1:50:59 PM)
yeh rite.. u wish

ai says: (1:51:53 PM)
not i wish..i know..coz there's nuthin firmed up yet..u guys can't even decide on d venue!:-*

Me says: (1:52:06 PM)
:P:p we're taking a vote now

ai says: (1:52:35 PM)
will the results take as long as the results for zimbabwe elections..hahaha <--- display of adult knowledge intended humorously if a bit condescendingly done *hmf*

Me says: (1:53:00 PM)
:P:p ha ha daddy

It was a thoroughly amusing yet annoying conversation. Atleast my parents keep me amused from time to time i suppose.. haha.. =p
and as much as id love to give you more to laugh about or give u reason to thank god that your dad isn't like mine (or wish that yours is) I think my willpower has built up sufficiently to carry through the intention of going to gym... =S unfortunately..
torture... ugh..
Go Me!

show me

2008-04-14T15:33:00.003+01:00

digging this song.. well im digging loads of songs right now.. top 5 to your right ;)
but this one works on so many levels its amazing..=p with a sweet ass melody..
take a peek:

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that i'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something i can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?
Where do we go? What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening

Yeah.. you got me.. I just have nothing worth blogging about and am damn bored.. hahah..
but it is a sweet song
chill out

bring the melodrama

2008-04-10T21:37:00.004+01:00

there's something infinitely lonely about big cities...
all those people, behind so many closed doors and windows,
a multitude of unknown stories and mysteries hidden within a huge web of lives that interact and disengage at chance

such is the drama of life
long spells of boredom and insignificance; punctuated with brief moments of exhilaration - scandalous or of sheer fun
having a complete dry spell here of the latter... =p
which isn't entirely unexpected, since it came on the heels of an interval packed with dramatics:

1. [apparently] missing sister, which caused no end of panic; on my dad's side, worry and extreme distress at not being able to contact her for a week. On my side, extreme dismay at the threat of my dad calling out the cavalry for her and having to hastily cover my ass in the event he found out she was in switzerland and that i blatantly lied. Well, people call missing persons after 24hours, my dad's reaction was only to be expected. =S It all got resolved to the satisfaction of [mostly] everyone, panic abated, and she was on the first plane home without my dad any the wiser and said sister clueless as to why such concern manifested. =S

2. Having to fend off nasty, sleazy, proposals which were absolutely disgusting and completely unwelcome. Honestly, some people just do not get the hint no matter how many times u shoot 'em down.

3. Certain revelations were made which unfortunately i cannot disclose here =D but were of an entirely scintillating nature.. haha..

well ok.. not that much drama really, but i did have an awfully 'fun' time in Brunei before i got here and became jobless (when i'm not in the grip of the urge to shop my ass off)... needless to say number 1 probably gave me more gray hairs and was quite enough drama for me...
work due to start on Monday... well, the sooner i start the sooner i can get back...
rainy weather continues in London, no doubt the cause of my continued diminished health =p
with no end to sight but i soldier on [haha]

randomly.. i am getting soooo tired of Get Low by Flo Rida and T-Pain...

new motto: Begin as you mean to go on and do not look back. No sniveling, no quivering.
Audeo [I dare]

can't wait to wreak some havoc in Brunei ;)

what's the deal..?

2008-04-04T02:38:00.002+01:00

aah... its back to sleepless nights, and sleep-filled days..
feels good...
....nah, not really... but what the hey... gotta make the best of things..
least i re-joined the gym today hehe.. hardcore kickboxing classes here i come! attackers and harrassers beware!

was thinking 'bout how loads of people have been saying i've changed...
How i'm not scared anymore,
Commentin on my different taste in music and new un-fussy(ish) attitude towards food
How i seem to be having fun for the very first time.. (=S, this was a mystery, i mean cmon.. anyone could c i know how to party rite.. =p haha )

so why the change..?
well.. hmm..
i made a conscious decision to just have fun, and since then i've been having fun, go figure haha
I got fed up with the pragmatic routines of life...which everyone kept telling me i kept worrying far too much about
and decided that it's my responsibility to make sure that i enjoy this transient experience of innocence (>_0) and joy that is my twenties while i still can =p haha
and honestly, what is there to be scared of?? really, reflecting on it, what can my parents do to me?
it's been a real eye-opener haha.. and the rest of the year is set to be... pretty AWESOME!
everybody better cooperate with my vision..who's with me?!?!? *say yeaaaa*
get ready to paarttaayyyy this summer!

self psycho-analysis is fun.. shoulda taken psychology..
ok.. lower back is killin me.. gtg =D

illin' out

2008-03-30T18:40:00.003+01:00

London seems to always inspire certain parts of my personality to rise to the forefront

I indulge my homebody tendencies; become a hermit

the weather - cold, wet, sunless - and the exchange rate both conspire to keep me indoors and to myself
but it's alright i suppose..
it has to get warm sometime... right?
and introspective periods are always good for the soul =p or so i've heard

*bleh*

doesn't help that i'm practically forced into anti-social behavior becoz im ill.. seriously, very, ill. Though I'm hoping it's only a 24hr bug...

London really isn't good for me =p

Suspended somewhere between dull pain and insensibility, in a torpor of self-negligence, there is nothing left for me to do but engage in a slow drift of association. The minutes accumulating like snow blanking the streets, cool and detached from the unfolding drama of the world; its slow progress at odds with my wish for a faster pace. The moments - before, now and in the future - as tangible as the flakes gathering. As soon as I remember, attempt to recall with vividity, it melts away to a new scene or thought. Too many to hold on to... too tainted with plural perceptions to be sure of. What really happened?
One could drown in all the irrelevance while trying to find that one connection of import.

and... back to reality, albeit dulled with a haze of pain =p and few intermissions of clarity.
someone"s got to do the bills n watnot ;)
surviving
..holding on...
for those bright summer days an sultry nights

summer better b awesome.

Inauguration

2008-03-20T16:44:00.000Z

it seems fitting that the first post in this brand-spanking-new blog is about the inaugural flight of that big ass airbus that Singapore airlines now has.

There i was... kinda excited to be sitting on the top deck since i'd never done that before..
though that kinda dissipated as the huge crowd waitin to board came into view..
only to find out.. i'm not on the top deck =p hmf... i was stuck in 'econ-no-money', as my granddad likes to call it, while my granddad and dad were on the top deck in business class. Typical. Dunno why i was surprised.. haha.. ah well
but to be honest, it wasn't like i was that psyched anyway... i mean c'mon.. wats the big deal? sure its huge... and it was it's first flight ever... and its huge.. haha..
at the end of the day it's still an environment-destroying mega machine isn't it?
Perspective, its a funny thing =p
oh apart from that tho.. i was pleasantly surprised at the amount of goodies u get ;)
a laptop bag full of stuff!!! *woohoo* i can sense all those bruneians who just love free stuff turning green with envy =p *nyahahahaha* [i'm lucky.. YOU aren't haha]
the contents: a model airplane (dunno wat i'm gunna do with that but ok); pens (these were really nice tho i have yet to c whether they work ;) haha); a padlock (always useful =p); err... im guessing the others weren't that impressive or worth remembering coz i can't recall anything else.. either that or there wasn't anything else haha..
the ones in business class were really lucky.. everything was the same except for the bag which was from Mandarina Duck [if u kno the brand you'll know its expensive =p].. damn did they splash out or wat?
ooohh and we got a certificate.. big whoop!! haha.. wow.. who knew just flying could get you certified.. as wat i wonder..?? a certified passenger/flyer/carbon footprint carrier? haha..
and you HAD to take a photo before you boarded.. you can imagine how thrilled i was in my sweat pants and way huge SOAS hoodie, hair a mess of course, to be taking a photo..
well ok.. i suppose it was more roomier, and quieter.. and the food was better than usual haha
and COLD... it was freezing in there.. i think i was colder in the plane than when i got out of the airport in London... =S
all in all.. it was quite anticlimactic really.. haha.. if you saw the tv show on it you mite catch me on it sleeping... =S

can't believe people actually paid for a ticket just to go on this inaugural flight and then go back home the same day.. can everybody say *waste of money and contribution to greenhouse gases* with me?? haha..

anywayz.. this has gone on long enuff... lets just say that.. it was a non-experience haha.. =D but a good non-experience.. if that makes any sense..
I arrived in London safe and sound.. albeit reluctantly.. and am currently missing everyone in Brunei ..
stay tuned to find out the unfolding drama in London ;)